Bukkake Sandwiches

Flashbackness!

2006-10-13T01:03:00.000+08:00

Author #2: For no particular reason, and since I like screwing with continuity, here's another flashback. YES I DO NOT CARE.

*******
Gunnery Sergeant Bukkake-chan: [leading her battalion through an obstacle course] I don't know but I've been told--

Faeries: [chanting] I don't know but I've been told--

Gunnery Sergeant Bukkake-chan: Snow Pixie pussy is mighty cold.

Faeries: [chanting] Snow Pixie pussy is mighty cold.

Private IceDrop (Snow Pixie Class): Snow Pixie pussy is mighty co--WHAT?!

Gunnery Sergeant Bukkake-chan: MMM, good...

Faeries: [chanting] MMM, good...

Private IceDrop: Now that is just SICK!

Gunnery Sergeant Bukkake-chan: Tastes good...

Faeries: [chanting] Tastes good...

Private IceDrop: That's just crossing the line of decency here!

Gunnery Sergeant Bukkake-chan: Feels good.

Faeries: FEELS GOOD!

Private IceDrop: You people are CRAZY!

Gunnery Sergeant Bukkake-chan: [narrows her eyes at the yell] COMPANY FUCKING HALT!

The company stops dead in its tracks, standing (or hovering) at attention.

Pyramid Head-chan: Uh-oh.

Gunnery Sergeant Bukkake-chan: [chewing at her cigar in barely-restrained anger] Who said that? Who the fuck said that? Who's the slimy little communist shit, twinkle-toed cocksucker down here who just signed his own death warrant?

Faeries: [stunned, frightened silence]

Gunnery Sergeant Bukkake-chan: Nobody, huh? The fairy fucking godmother said it. Out-fucking-standing. [snarls] I will PT you all until you fucking die. I'll PT you until your assholes are sucking buttermilk.

Gunnery Sergeant Bukkake-chan: [grabs a Snow Pixie by the shirt, causing the Pixie to scream] Was it you, you scroungy, freezer-trash little shit, huh?

Private Snowkiss: [crying] S-SIR NO SIR!

Gunnery Sergeant Bukkake-chan: [snarling] You little piece of shit. You look like a fucking worm, I bet it was you.

Private Snowkiss: [absolutely sobbing now] SIR NO SIR!

Private IceDrop: Sir, I said it, Sir!

Gunnery Sergeant Bukkake-chan: [blinks, then grins] Well, no shit. What do we have here, a fucking comedian!

Private IceDrop: [nervously] I-I'm just a regular Snow Pixie, sir.

Gunnery Sergeant Bukkake-chan: [patting Private IceDrop on the head] No doubt. I admire your honesty. Hell, I like you, you can come over to my house and fuck my uke!

[Gunnery Sergeant Bukkake-chan floors Private IceDrop with a punch to the gut, the Snow Pixie falling into the dirt]

Gunnery Sergeant Bukkake-chan: [screaming at Private IceDrop] You little scumbag! I got your name, I got your ass! You will not laugh, you will not cry, you will learn by the numbers, I will teach you! Now get up off your face! Private IceDrop, you better unfuck yourself before I unscrew your head and shit down your neck!

Private IceDrop: [weakly] Sir yes sir!

Gunnery Sergeant Bukkake-chan: PYRAMID HEAD! FRONT AND FUCKING CENTER, NOW!

Pyramid Head-chan: You called, sir?

Gunnery Sergeant Bukkake-chan: [gestures to Private IceDrop] Happy time.

Pyramid Head-chan: [grins, and flies toward Private IceDrop - the screen goes black, and the sounds of rape can be heard]

Chapter 4

2006-10-12T23:15:00.000+08:00

First Arc - The Awakening of RB-tan

Chapter 4

A bright, new morning greets our heroes as they rise from their slumber, somehow managing to block out the gut-wrenching sounds from the next room the night before. A fanfic wouldn't be complete without an embarassing incident when you wake up, so the next events were inevitable.

Bukkake-chan: Mmmm...mph!

RB-tan: Mmm?

Bukkake-chan: [gasping for air] How the hell did I end up carpeting you? Unless...dammit, don't tell me you're a closet rapist! GET THE HELL AWAY FROM ME!

RB-tan: Huh? Carpeting? Isn't that something you do to floors?

Bukkake-chan: Nevermind. I forgot that you're not smart enough for that.

RB-tan: Wha...?

Bukkake-chan: Now, go take a bath while I scare off the pedophiles again. Damned perverts are all over the place. [knocks hard on wall] YES, I'M TALKING TO YOU! Fucking kids and their stamina.

Meanwhile, RB-tan runs to the bathroom and carefully sheds her--

We suddenly cut to a scene of Varn, who is the villian for today in case you idiots don't remember. He blinks the sleep from his ey--

Author #1: What? No, I'm not cutting back to RB-tan.

Author #2: But...but...

Author #1: Get your CP somewhere else.

Author #2: ;_;

Anyway, Varn wakes up and does what all villian types do in the morning. Brush their teeth and practice Evil Laughs 1 to 30.

Drmstlfd: Good morning, master.

Varn: Ah, my faithful servant. Have you done what I asked.

Drmstlfd: Yes, master. But if I may, I don't think installing a self-destruct device for our closet wor--

Varn: Who's the evil villian here?

Drmstlfd: [sighs] You are, master.

Varn: Besides, it says so here in the Official Villian's Handbook. [holds up notebook-like thing] I should always have a self-destruct device to bury the heroes with as a last resort.

Drmstlfd: But we're in a closet...

Varn: And have you done the other thing?

Drmstlfd: Yes, master. I have purchased a couch for you. But what purpose does it serve?

Varn: [shakes head] You have much to learn. The Handbook says that all evil villians have couches.

Drmstlfd: [silence]

Varn: Now, what shall we do today? Ah, yes. Come here, Drmstlfd.

Drmstlfd: [eyes widen] Certainly you don't mean...

Varn: It's tea party time! [brings out flowery tea set]

We now return to our two heroes, who are getting ready to leave the inn.

Author # 2: ;_;

Author # 1: Shaddap.

Bukkake-chan: So, thanks for the service, you fucking pedophile.

Innkeeper: [about to say something]

Bukkake-chan: What was that? It was your pleasure? [points shotgun at innkeeper] It fucking better be, if you like your head.

Innkeeper: Y-yes. Ohgodpleasedontshootmeeeeeee!

Bukkake-chan: Good.

RB-tan: Let's go, Bukkake-chan~

Bukkake-chan: Yeah, yeah. Hey, pedophile. You better change your pants. That stuff really sticks to your clothes. Aren't I helpful? [evil grin] You better thank me now.

Innkeeper: [mumbling]

Bukkake-chan: That had better be a thank you, or you'll end up like a drunk monkey trying to hump a lamppost. DEAD BY SHOTGUN SHELL, BITCH.

RB-tan: Mou, stop picking on him...

Bukkake-chan: But I'm having so much fun here. It's been a while since--whoah! [barely dodges airborne keys] THE FUCK? Wait, the number on those keys is the room next to us. [sees couple exiting] Excuse me, I have some noisy fuckers to put down.

RB-tan: That sounds fun!

After Bukkake-chan's demonstration of the body having enough blood pressure to make it spray out when somebody decapitates you with a point-blank shot, the two go on their merry way. Normally, 'merry' and 'Bukkake-chan' in the same sentence would cause the universe to end, much like dividing by zero would. Unless you add 'shooting', which is like plus one to the zero.

RB-tan: So, where are we going next?

Bukkake-chan: [on top of RB-tan's head] I dunno. Got any ideas? Oh, wai--

RB-tan: Let's go fill out our income tax returns!

Bukkake-chan: Do we even have income, you brain-dead bitch?

RB-tan: It always pays to practice! [smiles widely]

Bukkake-chan: Haha. No.

RB-tan: But--hey, isn't that the not-demon guy from yesterday?

Bukkake-chan: He's wearing a drag. Well, like I said, different strokes for different folks.

RB-tan: [squeals] That pink apron is sooooo cute! I want to take it home~

Bukkake-chan: No way you're making me go near a man in a drag. NO FUCKING WAY. Unless you want me to shoot him. [grins evilly] Do you?

RB-tan: But that'll stain the apron...[sniffs]

Bukkake-chan: Yeah, blood's kinda hard to get out of clothes. I should know. I had a ton of em because I hate doing laundry.

Random Expendable Passerby # 2: Hey, can you--

Bukkake-chan: I DON'T THINK SO BITCH! [fires off a few shots] Yep, I still got it. Two in the chest, one in the head. [random passerby drops to the ground]

RB-tan: [peers at the corpse] Head? What head?

Bukkake-chan: I know. Isn't it great? [grins] This has been a good day. So far. [frowns] That means something horrible is about to happen. I do not have a good day. Ever.

RB-tan: [giggles] Oh, stop being paranoid. The world is wonderful~

Bukkake-chan: You may think so since you have air for brains, but trust me, something bad is going to happen. Something stupid, but bad nonetheless. Anyway, get going. [pulls on RB-tan's hair] I need to go to the shop and make a makeshift bomb shelter.

RB-tan: But we don't have any money.

Bukkake-chan: I'll charge it to my credit card. [cradles shotgun] Isn't that right, darling?

RB-tan: Okay! ^__^

Interview time! Thanks to Addy for the questions.

2006-10-08T13:13:00.000+08:00

Author # 2: So you understand what to do?

Bukkake-chan: I think so. I just answer these questions while that thing's on?

Author # 2: Pretty much, yeah.

Bukkake-chan: [unfolding a printout] Oh, this is rich. Hey, penpusher. I thought we made it clear in my contract that I'm just supposed to shoot people and be hardcore while doing it, not give out interviews. I'm not feeding the media machine!

Author # 2: It's from one of your fangirls, B. Other than...you-know-who. [gestures to Author # 1 currently giving RB-tan a sponge bath]

Bukkake-chan: [frowns, but grudgingly accepts] Fine, fine. Let's do this. RB-tan has a dentist's appointment, I'm her ride.

Author # 2: [smirks] Anytime you're ready, then. Just remember the format.

Bukkake-chan: Yeah, yeah. Now get out of my shot.

Author # 2: [mutters] Goddamn faeries.

[lights fade, and Pyramid Head-chan flies in unfurling a banner]

Pyramid Head-chan: [in a cute, high-pitched voice] The Ficwriter's Guide to Rune Midgard: Interview with the characters desu! Starring Bukkake-chan desu! Kawaii sugoi desu ne? Ne? Ne? [roars in a demonic voice] I WILL TEAR OFF YOUR HEAD AND SKULLFUCK YOU, desu! ^__^

Bukkake-chan: [stares] O_O

Auhtor # 2: [slaps forehead]

Bukkake-chan: [watches as Pyramid Head-tan flies away] Alright...[puts on her reading glasses and squints at the printout, sitting down directly in front of the camera] Well, uh, Miss...Addy from Ragnaboards, thank you for your letter and your questions. I'll try to answer them the best I can without breaking out in song, or using words that probably'd get bleeped out in post by some airheaded little bitch who can't even spell LENIENT right. [stands up from her seat] Yeah, I'm talking to you, Sakura I-see-a-bad-word motherfucking Kasugano. If you're going to try and act superior, at least try to pretend that you graduated college, asshat! [takes her shotgun out and fires a few warning shots] WERE YOU BORN A PRETENTIOUS, SELF-IMPORTANT CUMSTAIN THAT TYPES LIKE A DYSLEXIC MONKEY WITHOUT ARMS, OR DID YOU HAVE TO WORK ON IT?!

Author # 2: [slaps forehead]

Bukkake-chan: [blinks] Where was I?

Author # 2: [points to the print]

Bukkake-chan: Oh, right, the questions. [reads] Yeah. Um, let's see. The first one is have I ever had a special someone besides my shotgun? [blinks] Wait a minute. I'm in love with my shotgun? What the hell?

Author # 2: Well, you ARE that attached to it...

Bukkake-chan: [snorts] That's because I kill people with it, genius! I take care of it, I reload it, I bludgeon people with it occasionally but I sure as hell isn't going to sleep with it anytime soon, you know?

Author # 2: Just answer the question.

Bukkake-chan: [glares] I'll meet you in the parking lot, buddy. [turns back to the camera] Well, yeah, I've had my own share of significant others, people I send coal to every Christmas. [grins at the memory] I'm not going to bore you with a long list, of course, so I'll just mention the noteworthy.
[clears throat] My first...love, if you can call it that, was of the african american persuasion. Big black nigger that wore lots of gold chains, a mohawk, and he had this dress theme of shirts in primary colors while wearing denim overalls. [laughs] Yeah, I know. He wasn't always playing with a full deck when he gets up in the morning to pick out clothes, but it was the 80s. People had a really skewed sense--

[a screen graphic of Bukkake-chan wearing a bikini top, bell-bottom pants and her hair teased up into an afro appears beside her]

Bukkake-chan: Of fashion back then. And he always referred to himself in the third person. Jesus Christ, that was annoying. But it worked out, somehow. We were pretty much into the same stuff back then, until I got drafted into the army.

Author # 2: What was his name?

Bukkake-chan: [ignoring Author # 2] Skipping through four divorces and three rape charges - of which I'm acquitted - I had a fling with a human girl. She was cute, wore glasses, she liked to dress up. Very easy on the eyes. Very kinky, too. [shrugs] I made it pretty clear that I was just in it for the nookie, though.

Author # 2: [annoyed] Nookie?

Bukkake-chan: [nods] S'right. Sex. Lots of sex. Sex. Sex. Sex. Sexsexsexsexsexsexsexsexsexsexsex.

Author # 2: Right.

Bukkake-chan: Sexsexsexsexsexsexsexsexsexsexsexsexsexsex
sexsexsexsexsexsexsexsexsexsexsexsexsexsexsexsexsexsexsex
sexsexsexsexsexsexsexsexsexsexsexsexsexsexsexsexsexsexsex
sexsexsexsexsexsexsexsexsexsexsexsexsexsexsexsexsexsexsex
sexsexsexsexsexsexsexsexsexsexsexsexsexsexsexsexsexsexsex
sexsexsexsexsexsexsexsexsexsexsexsexsexsexsexsexsexsexsex
sexsexsexsexsexsexsexsexsexsexsexsexsexsexsexsexsexsexsex
sexsexsexsexsexsexsexsexsexsexsexsexsexsexsexsexsexsexsex
sexsexsexsexsexsexsexsexsexsexsexsexsexsexsexsexsexsexsex
sexsexsexsexsexsexsexsexsexsexsexsexsexsexsexsexsexsexsex
sexsexsexsexsexsexsexsexsexsexsexsexsexsexsexsexsexsexsex
sexsexsexsexsexsexsexsexsexsexsexsexsexsexsexsexsexsexsex
sexsexsexsexsexsexsexsexsexsexsexsexsexsexsexsexsexsexsex
sexsexsexsexsexsexsexsexsexsexsexsexsexsexsexsexsexsexsex
sexsexsexsexsexsexsexsexsexsexsexsexsexsexsexsexsexsexsex
sexsexsexsexsexsexsexsexsexsexsexsexsexsexsexsexsexsexsex
sexsexsexsexsexsexsexsexsexsexsexsexsexsexsexsexsexsexsex
sexsexsexsexsexsexsexsexsexsexsexsexsexsexsexsexsexsexsex
sexsexsexsexsexsexsexsexsexsexsexsexsexsexsexsexsexsexsex
sexsexsexsexsexsexsexsexsexsexsexsexsexsexsexsexsexsexsex
sexsexsexsexsexsexsexsexsexsexsexsexsexsex--

Author # 2: Uh...

Bukkake-chan: [standing up and firing off a few shots from her shotgun]
GOOD GOD! THE MOST FANTASTIC EARTH-SHATTERING SEX EVER! I WRECKED THAT BITCH! DAYM!

Author # 2: Let's move on...

Bukkake-chan: Whew! I need a cigar.

Author # 2: Cigar for Miss Bukkake, please.

Bukkake-chan: Thanks. [puffs on lit cigar, exhaling enough smoke to choke out an infant] Where was I? Oh, yes, sex. We were into the matress mambo. But that was it, pretty much. Now it's just me and my shotgun...

RB-tan: [offscreen] I love you, Bukkake-chan! ^__^

BUkkake-chan: [smiling placidly] I love you too, honey...[muttering through her teeth]...and the crazy bitch over there. [gestures at the camera] Cut, I want to get some coffee.

[Cue Commercial Break]

Chapter 3

2006-09-25T00:09:00.000+08:00

First Arc - The Awakening of RB-tan

We find our heroes resting at some seedy-named hotel - we'd try to make up a seedy-sounding name, but we really couldn't be arsed to bother - and after a gratuitious shower scene that would have us arrested for displaying CP (fukken saved!), we see RB-tan clambering out of the bath, her soft supple skin flushed from the heated water and smelling faintly of vanilla soap. Her slim childish physique, although still underdeveloped, is filling out at the right places quite NICELY - those 'right places' concealed with but an almost translucent scrap of a white fluffy towel-like material called, endearingly, a towel.

Bukkake-chan: [snoring] Goddamn....pedos...

Author: [aside] Is it really all right like this?

Author # 2: [aside, snapping pictures of a freshly-bathed RB-tan] Of course it is. Now give me another roll of film, I'm almost out.

Author: Film?

Author # 2: Yes, FILM. That little roll you need to take pictures with. [snaps a few more pictures] We won't have too many opportunities like this--[camera suddenly rewinds film, making a loud whirring noise] CRAP!

Bukkake-chan: [jumping up and firing off a few shots out the window] HOTEL'S CLOSED DUE TO JAILBAIT! GODDAMN PEDOS!

RB-tan: [squealing] Uwaaaah! Not so loud, Bukkake-chan! You'll wake everyone up! >_<

Bukkake-chan: [snorts] As if our co-tenants are actually doing any sleeping. [taps the wall behind the bed with the shotgun, where a constant creaking sound is heard] Ugh. Sounds like someone's drilling their significant other a new 'in' hole. Blech. [glares at RB-tan] Huh. Funny. You don't seem to be bothered the slightest by it.

RB-tan: [giggling] Oh, I'm pretty much used to it. I just muscle past the gag reflex.

Bukkake-chan: [shrugs] Different strokes for different folks.

RB-tan: [sits down on the bed] Um, Bukkake-chan, can I...

Bukkake-chan: [blinks] What is it now?

RB-tan: [fidgeting in her towel] Well, see, I want to tell you something...

Bukkake-chan: Eh? [frowns] Oh, no. Are you coming out? [groans, flailing her arms over her head] This is just fucking great. Why does everyone always come out to ME? Can't you just eat a gun and get it over with?

RB-tan: [blinks, then giggles] Oh, that! No, no, I came out to my third mom a long time ago. No, Iwanted to ask you...well, you looked like you were dreaming earlier. I was wondering what the dream was all about.

Bukkake-chan: [snorts] Oh, you're trying to be a shrink now, huh? Well, I don't need your help.

RB-tan: [hurt] But I'm just trying to be a friend...

Bukkake-chan: [sighs, setting her shotgun down on her lap and polishing the barrel] If it gets me out of a sob session from you, fine. I could probably kill you anytime if I tell you anything you're not supposed to hear--

RB-tan: [hugs the Faerie as if she hadn't heard the last sentence] YAY!

Bukkake-chan: GET YOUR HANDS OFF ME BITCH.

RB-tan: Okay, okay. ^__^

Bukkake-chan: [mumbles a particularly colorful curse] Remember when I told you that I was in `NAM? The old wars? All the other countries fighting the rebellion in Umbala?

RB-tan: [nods] I remember. That's why you're such a good shot with that! ^__^

Bukkake-chan: [smirks] Of course. But I learned more than I wanted there. [looks down] A lot of things.

[Flashback begins here]

Bukkake-chan: HEY!

Author # 2: Tough.

* * *

Bukkake-chan: [voiceover] I was drafted into the Faerie Infantry immediately after I got my Faerie license. I was such a dork back then - glasses, ponytail, aversion to violence, belief that all conflicts could be solved through peaceful means, ettiquete - all that crap. The army straightened me out. I fit in right away after that, and I was quickly promoted to Gunnery Seargent, which meant I could fuck around with the latest weaponry AND train the new recruits.

~10 years ago. Umbala Jungle. NAM.~

Gunnery Seargent Bukkake-chan: [to recruits] If you ladies survive recruit training, you will be a weapon. You will be a minister of death praying for war. But until that day you are pukes. You are the lowest form of life on Earth. You are not even ether, fucking faeries. You are nothing but unorganized grabastic pieces of amphibian shit.

[Nothing but the sound of crickets in the background]

Gunnery Seargent Bukkake-chan: Because I am hard you will not like me. But the more you hate me the more you will learn. I am hard but I am fair. There is no racial bigotry here. I do not look down on niggers, kikes, wops or greasers. Here you are all equally worthless. And my orders are to weed out all non-hackers who do not pack the gear to serve in my beloved Corps. Do you maggots understand that?

Faerie recruits: SIR YES SIR!

Gunnery Seargent Bukkake-chan: [bearing down on one of the recruits in first row, a bloody faerie wearing a folded-up newspaper in shape of a triangle on her head] YOU!

Faerie: [startled] S-Sir, yes, sir!

Gunnery Seargent Bukkake-chan: What's your name, scumbag?

Faerie: Sir, The Red Tri-Point Headgear Faerie, SIR!

Gunnery Seargent Bukkake-chan: BULLSHIT! From now on your name is Pyramid Head-chan. Do you like your new name?

Pyramid Head-chan: SIR YES SIR!

Gunnery Seargent Bukkake-chan: [smirking] Well, I'll tell you something you won't like, Private Pyramid Head-chan - you can't rape the humans in the next camp. [shouts to the weapons office] GET THIS BITCH A GREATKNIFE! A SHARP ONE!

Author # 2: And I'll continue this tomorrow. I have to get up early for work.

Author: Slacker.

Author # 2: Fuck you.

[To be contin--]

Author: Why does it always have to be me?

Gunnery Seargent Bukkake-chan: You go over there and try out that thing, Private! Now, who's next! YOU! [points to a smiling fairie] What's your name? And why the fuck are you smiling at a time like this? IS THIS AMUSING TO YOU?

Faerie: No! [giggle] It's just that I like pie.

Gunnery Seargent Bukkake-chan: [shocked] Why...are...you...even...here?!

Faerie: I'm smart!

Gunnery Seargent Bukkake-chan: Sure you are. And I hate shooting someone in the head. NOT! [mumbles] What were they thinking?

Author: I'll also continue this tomorrow. Meh.

Chapter 2

2006-09-24T00:31:00.000+08:00

First Arc - The Awakening of RB-tan

Chapter 2

As the two misfits strolled into the town, a decidedly evil plan was brewing in the town, by an evil being.

Varn is a wizard who wants to rule the world. Varn is powerful. Varn has ambition.

Varn is also a retard.

Every evil powerful being knows that you can't really take over the world. Because just when you're about to accomplish your goal, it's be cut down by the shining knight time, or get blasted by a magical girl team time, or be smashed by a giant robot piloted by an emo kid time, or stopped by a hyperactive girl and her hardcore fairy companion with a shotgun who are currently entering Izlude time. (This is called foreshadowing.)

You see, the truly evilly powerful guys are a laid back bunch.

They prefer to stay at home and do their hobbies, and torture the occasional human or town, summon a few demons here and there. A pretty laid back bunch, in general.

That's why Varn kept his plot a secret. The last time he mentioned it at the meeting, he immediately got dogpiled by nearly everyone. Orc Lord needed to lose weight.

In his secret base in Izlude, Varn finalized his plans. Soon, he thought. He would first put this town under his command, and them take over the world! They will feel his true power!

Evil Laugh #22 followed.

The door to his janitor's closet opened. Wait, did I say janitor's closet? I meant super secret evil base. Yeah.

Varn: Drmstlfd, my loyal demon servant. Have you done what I've asked?

Drmstlfd: Yes, master. I've placed them as you requested.

Varn: Good.

Drmstlfd was not a happy camper. He'd been bound by a contract to an idiot, and there wasn't anything he could do about it. Not to mention the fact that he looked like some deformed version of a pretty boy. Demons were supposed to look powerful and intimidating (like Dark Lord), strangely seductive (like the Incubus) or disturbing for reasons beyond comprehension (like Bill Gates). Not so plain. He sighed.

Varn: The preparations will soon be complete. The world will know my name!

Insert Evil Laugh #28 here.

Meanwhile, our two heroes are dashing into town, unaware of the situation theywill be placed in. As with most heroes.

Bukkake-chan: I think I lost years of my life back there.

RB-tan: Don't worry! Just pay taxes!

Bukkake-chan: [silence]

RB-tan: If we're not going to a brothel, where do we go?

Bukkake-chan: Where sane people go. An inn.

RB-tan: Yay! [begins walking off in a random direction]

Bukkake-chan: HEY! Go this way! [pulls on RB-tan's hair]

RB-tan: Okay! [starts to hum a song]

Bukkake-chan: Well, this town is pretty ordinary. Kinda boring. This place could use more blood and gore. And violence. There should be a riot somewhere. Wait, why are we here again?

RB-tan: [shakes head, nearly causing the fairy to fall off] I don't know!

Bukkake-chan: [more silence]

RB-tan: [notices someone] Excuse me, Mister Person With Droopy Devil Wings, where's the inn?

Drmstlfd: Uh, that way, I think. [points and runs off]

RB-tan: Thank you!

Bukkake-chan: [stares at Drmstlfd] Was that a demon?

RB-tan: [shakes head again]

Bukkake-chan: STOP THAT. I DO NOT WANT TO KISS PAVEMENT.

RB-tan: He didn't look scary enough. ^__^

Bukkake-chan: Well, you have a point. It's a fucking miracle. YOU HAVE A POINT. I think I'm hyperventilating here.

RB-tan: He can't be a demon if he's not scary, right?

Bukkake-chan: AHH, STOP! STOP! STOP TALKING!

RB-tan: [eyes watering] But..but...

Bukkake-chan: That's more like it. Anyway, let's ignore that thing and go to the inn. I want to rest my feet.

RB-tan: But you can f--

Bukkake-chan: Stop talking.

RB-tan: [pouts] You're so mean!

Bukkake-chan: I'm not. I can be affectionate if I want to. [whips out her shotgun and pets it] Smooth, Marlene. Real smooth. You're my baby, yes you are. You're mommy's boomstick.

Random Expendable Passerby: Excuse me, can I ask a--

Bukkake-chan: [screaming] CHARLIE! CHARLIE IN THE TREES! [fires off a couple of shots, and a headless Random Expendable Passerby falls to the ground in a bloody heap]

RB-tan: Eh? Are you okay, Bukkake-chan?

Bukkake-chan: [exhaling] Y-yeah, I'm fine. Muscle memory and crap like that. [sits back down on RB-tan's head, patting her shotgun] I was in 'NAM, you know. 0300 Faerie Infantry. [fires off a few more shots, laughing maniacally, sending the morning crowd of Izlude packing] GIT SOME! GIT SOME!

RB-tan: [giggling] Waaah! They're all running around!

Bukkake-chan: [yelling while firing off shots at the same time, moving down civilians] YEAH, YEAH, YEAH! Anyone that runs is a VC. Anyone that stands still is a well-disciplined VC! They should start doing stories about me sometime.

RB-tan: [blinking] Why should they do a story about you? Other than that you're my new best friend! ^__^

Bukkake-chan: [laughs] Stupid bitch. 'Cuz I'm so fuckin' good! I done got me 157 dead gooks killed. Plus 50 Baphomets too! Them's all confirmed!

RB-tan: [eyes widening] Any women or children?

Bukkake-chan: Sometimes, yeah!

RB-tan: [eyes watering] How can you...shoot...women or children?

Bukkake-chan: Easy! Ya just don't lead 'em so much! [laughs] Ain't war hell?

RB-tan: But we're not at war--

Bukkake-chan: Well, that's why it's boring! Come on, sweetcheeks, to the Inn. Thats-a-way. [points with her shotgun]

RB-tan: [giggles] Okay! ^__^

The Izludean Inn is a cozy place, a home away from home - upholstered couches, a fully-stocked wet and dry bar, an electronic bull at the corner. Rooms are cheap with the basic utilities at hand, as well as a comfy bed built for two - and as evidenced by the various thumpings, bangings and creakings behind most of the doors, they sometimes handle more THAN two.

Bukkake-chan: I feel much better after I got that shooting spree off my chest. That felt damn good.

RB-tan: My dad always said that random violence makes you feel better!

Bukkake-chan: Wow, so you and your family aren't completely retarded after all. IT'S ANOTHER FUCKING MIRACLE. PRAISE BE TO WHATEVER DEITIES THERE ARE.

RB-tan: Hello Mister Innkeeper!

Innkeeper: H...hi...[breathing heavily]

Bukkake-chan: Stop staring at her chest, you pedophile. Before I blow your head off like the last guy.

Innkeeper: Uh...what?

Bukkake-chan: Do you see this? [brandishes the shotgun] This is a weapon of God. This blessed contraption will exorcise the demons plaguing that sick, festering cavity of immorality you call a brainhole, son. With a pull of the trigger I will exorcise your demons all over this establishment in a crimson mist of chunks and giblets! Lo, there will be fragging. There will be ganking.

RB-tan: [pouting] Mou. Be nice, Bukkake-chan.

Bukkake-chan: Who died and made you resident asshat? But since you asked SO nicely. [fires off a shot in reflex] Capitalist worm! My ward and I grow tired standing in thine lobby. I demand a room with all the furnishings.

Innkeeper: [trying hard not to stare at RB-tan's non-existant chest] But we're already full--

Bukkake-chan: [screaming] Are you quitting on me? Well, are you? Then quit, you slimy fucking walrus-looking piece of shit. Get the fuck off out of my face. Get the fuck out of town. I want a room, I don't care if you have to throw someone out the goddamn door for it.

Innkeeper: [almost in tears] B-but...

Bukkake-chan: Do you think I'm here to listen to you blubber? I SAID MOVE IT. NOW. MOVE IT. [fires off a few more shots] I'm going to rip your balls off, so you cannot contaminate the rest of the world. I will motivate you, peasant, even if it short-dicks every cannibal on the Congo.

Innkeeper: [having an accident in his pants] I'll....I'll look for one...

To his credit, the incontinent Keeper of Inns did manage to find a room for our two heroines, deftly avoiding a chemically-imbalanced Faerie initiating a one-sided shootout with the rest of his customers.

After all, it's hard to wash blood out of carpeting.

Or brain matter out of the upholstery.

Bukkake-chan: Well, this is what I'm talking about. [hops off RB-tan's head to land on the King-size bed, gleefully rolling around the matress] Ah. No more sleeping on rooftops or clouds. Only nice, firm, yielding cotton matresses for me and my bad back problems. [sighs in relief]

Our heroes get their much-needed rest. Meanwhile, an evil plan comes into fruition. What terrible fate will befa--

Bukkake-chan: SHUT THE FUCK UP.

...right. Just read more, okay?

Chapter 1

2006-09-23T01:52:00.000+08:00

First Arc - The Awakening of RB-tan

Chapter 1

There is a mystical land, far away from where we are, where human and monster struggle for dominance. Majestic cities, harsh deserts, blinding blizzards, high mountains. Lots of people from all walks of life. Adventure. Mystery. Romance. This place almost had it all.

If you sign up now, you get a 5-hour free trial.

Sitting outside the southern gates of the majestic city of Prontera, is a young novice girl. Nothing else could go wrong for her today. Her Daddy had kicked her out of the house *again*, being drunk, as usual. Her Mommy had been missing for three days. Maybe that job as a man-servicer or whatever it was called didn't go well. She would have to find her again and bury her in the ditch along with the six other mommies. Daddy also cooked her pet for soup. Again. He also changed her name, again, but she still liked RB-tan the most. It sounded fun.

But what really infuriated her was that her father refused to pay his taxes! The nerve of that man. You always paid your taxes. Not doing so was bad. Very bad.

She had packed her most essential belongings, which was a really hard decision. Eventually, she threw out most of her food and clothes to make space for candy and income tax forms. And the pasties. It was a present from her first mommy.

She stood up and started whistling merrily. Yes, she could start anew. Maybe that little town of Eislood or something is a good place to visit first.

Suddenly, she felt something smack into her face. White sticky liquid spread all over her face, hair and clothes. Mommy number two would be angry. Daddy would be proud. Wait, was it number two? Or four? It's hard to keep track of sometimes.

The white stuff slid off her black hair and her surprised face, and slowly started to form a figure.

???: Yo.

RB-tan: Wha...

???: Sorry. Had to do that to stop flying. You're different, though. Most girls would be running away screaming by now. And that's without the shotgun.

It should be mentioned that RB-tan didn't know any skills. Save one. The Blind-people-with-how-cute-I-am attack.

RB-tan: Hi, Mister Blob of White Gooey Stuff! ^___^

???: Whoa!

The blob of white goo--er, sorry, the thi--wait, don't shoot me...uh, the being, yeah, that's it, rolled around on the floor screaming something about the sun and how it burned. At least, it looked like it was rolling.

The being eventually took on the form of a fairy fifteen inches tall, wearing a white sundress. She had long blue hair almost reaching down to her feet.

RB-tan: How are you flying?

???: [dusts off her dress] It's the power of EC.

RB-tan: EC? What's that?

???: Let's just call it that. Since this work is relatively worksafe, after all.

RB-tan: I like porings!

???: [stares] You know what? I'm not even going to bother to ask why you said that. Bye.

RB-tan: Wait, Mister Blo--

???: I'm a girl, dammit! And don't call me a blob!

RB-tan: Uh, Miss Question Marks?

???: [silence]

RB-tan: Um...

???: Bukkake-chan.

RB-tan: Huh?

???: Call me Bukkake-chan. It's my name, sort of.

RB-tan: [jumps up and down] Yaaaaay!

It was then that a beautiful friendship was forged, under that pixellated blue sky. The first day for the adventures of two beings, an overly happy girl with a fetish for taxes, and a mysterious fairy made out of...stuff.

Many still claim that the wheels of Ragnarok started to turn at that specific moment in time.

We could do the heroic angle, of course. This work isn't geared at telling you about the exploits of two socially-inept misfits romping around Rune Midgard and going about their happy way - no. Just to show you that we mean business in racking up pageview counts and reviews and inquiries on whether one of us could participate in a threesome with you and your sister (if you're both half-chinese, half-japanese lesbian twins with a fetish for peanut butter), this fanfic will now segue into the adventures of GM Hiro and his gay life partner, Skyflakes.

Hiro likes to act like a pompous little prick and be high and mighty.

Hiro likes to fuck Skyflakes in the ass but does not even have the slightest common courtesy to give him a reach around.

Yes, this fanfic will center around these two young, stalwart warriors.

Since we all know chicks dig the gay stuff.

...and now, here's something completely different.

Bukkake-chan: [chanting, sitting on top of RB-tan's head, cradling her shotgun]
This is my rifle. There are many like it but this one is mine. My rifle is my best friend. It is my life. I must master it as I must master my life. Without me, my rifle is useless. Without my rifle I am useless. I must fire my rifle true. I must shoot straighter than my enemy, who is trying to kill me. I must shoot him before he shoots me. I will. Before God I swear this creed: my rifle and myself are defenders of my country, we are the masters of my enemy, we are the saviors of my life. So be it, until there is no enemy, but peace. Amen.

RB-tan: [giggles] You're funny. You're like my dad when he leans over me while I'm sleeping.

Bukkake-chan: Is that right?

RB-tan: [nodding, almost causing Bukkake-chan to fall off her head] Un! I try not to make too much noise unless it really starts to hurt, but then he covers my face with a pillow so--

Bukkake-chan: Stop it, stop it. Before I eat my own gun and air my brains out to dry. [bonks RB-tan's head lightly with the shotgun's stock] And stop moving so damn much. I have a vantage point to secure.

RB-tan: Well, we just met, and Mom number three didn't want me to talk to strangers UNLESS they paid her up front, and you seem kind of nice for a stranger, so I don't want us to be strangers any more, that's why I'm--

Bukkake-chan: I GET YOUR POINT.

RB-tan: [cringes] I'm...I'm sorry...

Bukkake-chan: [cursing underneath her breath] Okay. Let's not consider ourselves strangers. I'm Bukkake-chan, you're RB-tan or whatever you call yourself. I'll stick by you, you stick by me - since I kind of believe in Fate myself, and I KNOW there's no way in hell some dick in a jumpsuit waving a hammer around would want for two people like us to meet without no good reason.

RB-tan: [sniffs] R-Really? You won't...You won't leave me for dead? Or sell me away for beer money?

Bukkake-chan: Well, now that you mention it...

RB-tan: [makes the sound a mouse makes when it is violently stepped on]

Bukkake-chan: I mean, no, of course not. I'm not much of a beer person anyway. I like wine better.

RB-tan: MY FIRST FRIEND! [snatches Bukkake-chan up from her head and cuddles her with enough force to cause crib death] I'm so happy! This is the happiest day of my--

Bukkake-chan: Hands off, bitch. Easy with the emotional outbursts.

RB-tan: [lets go] Okay. But I'm happy you're sticking with me. ^__^

Bukkake-chan: [climbs back on her perch atop RB-tan's noggin] Don't be too glad. I'm not one of those twinkletoed tinkerbell asshat faeries Mom tells you about just to keep you optimistic about growing up. I'm one of those 'rebel' faeries. I got kicked out of the kingdom years ago.

RB-tan: That's mean! Why did they kick you out?

Bukkake-chan: [lights a cigar] Because they didn't believe me when I told them I was hardcore.

RB-tan: Did you at least pay taxes?

Bukkake-chan: [snorts] Of course I-- [notices RB-tan's maniacal gaze] Uh, yeah, I did. Of course.

RB-tan: Good! [smiles like the sun again]

Bukkake-chan: Where are we going again?

RB-tan: My Mommy number four always tells me to go to a brothel when you enter a new town.

Bukkake-chan: Tell you what. I won't lobotomize myself with a shotgun shell if you stop following what your mommies say. Deal?

RB-tan: [lip trembling] But...

Bukkake-chan: [sighs] Let me make it clear, just in case your little retarded brain can't handle it. Your mommies give you advice, right? Which they also follow?

RB-tan: Of course they do! [smiles wider]

Bukkake-chan: Where are they now?

RB-tan: [blank expression]

Bukkake-chan: Exactly. So you better listen to me if you want to stay in the world of the living. I should get paid for this or something.

RB-tan: We're here! [runs into Izlude, arms flailing]

Bukkake-chan: DAMMIT, SLOW DOWN, WOMAN! I'M GONNA FUCKING FALL OFF!

RB-tan: Don't worry, the power of love and friendship will keep you on my head!

Bukkake-chan: Are you high, or do you need to get out more? Where was I? Oh yeah. SLOW DOWN, DAMMIT!

The two figures entered the sattelite town, one deliriously happy for no explicable or comprehensible reason and the other cursing at the top of her lungs.

Citizens of the town would look back to that day as the Day Of Paralyzing, Endangering and Shocking Absolute Terror in Izlude, more commonly known as DOPESAT Izlude.